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2011 OCTOBER |
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October 26 Whatever agency is in charge of these things says advertisers can’t actually lie, so they have come up with an ‘ALL NEW” (= slightly modified) vocabulary to tell you what they want you to think without quite having to say it. Herewith a dictionary of some of the common phrases I’ve noted in commerce today.
Up to = less than. Your results may vary = up to. Or Even More! = or even less. From (in pricing) = more than. Newer (in realtorspeak) = not as new as “new.” Statistically significant = not actually significant. Neutriceutical = neither nutrient nor pharmaceutical. Smoother than cabernet = contains 7% cabernet. Expect the unexpected (Fox News) = if you expect actual news, look elsewhere. Nothing has been proven more effective = until the results are finalized, double-checked, made public, and confirmed by an independent study, we can claim that our product is no worse than the competition. Not to be confused with Nothing is better than XYZ = you should take nothing. …can help = has no demonstrable benefit. Shows results in 7-10 days = the placebo effect fades after a month or two. 20% off the entire store = 10% off some items. 100% juice = mostly juice. Or actually, mostly water added to juice concentrate. What you call the product makes quite a difference, too. Consider that you can buy Pool Time Total Alkalinity Increaser for $1.65/lb, baking soda (on sale) for 75¢/lb, or sodium bicarbonate for 49¢/lb. All are 100% NaHCO3. But that’s another gripe for another time.
October 18 Speaking of news, Memo to ABC: There is no definition of the term under which the events on Dancing With the Stars would be considered news.
October 17: No news at 11:00. I’m getting a lot more sleep now that I no longer even try to stay up for the 11:00 o’clock news. I finally figured out that they don’t actually have any news at 11:00. If you have the TV on any time earlier than that, you know what I mean. During the commercials, they have teasers: “Toddler killed in Glendale drive-by shooting. Story at 11:00.” Then at 11:00, the anchor tells you: “A drive-by shooting this morning in Glendale left a toddler dead and a family devastated. Miranda Nanette Samantha is live at the scene.” Then they cut to the mandatory “live” (i.e. taped) shot, a woman with a microphone in a residential neighborhood. “Well, Laura, I’m here live at the scene of a horrific event. Earlier today, an unknown assailant or assailants in a late model dark colored SUV drove past the house you see behind me and opened fire. A small child playing in front of the home was tragically struck in the head and died at the scene. Neighbors, who continue to come by at this hour to add candles to the growing memorial on the sidewalk, say the little girl, whose name has not been released, was loved by everyone and had a promising future. She is not believed to have been a gang member. Police are continuing to investigate and ask anyone with information about this crime to call the department. Miranda Nanette Samantha, ABC 7 Eyewitless News.” “Thanks, Miranda. Next up, Meteorologist Seattle Raines will have yet another weather report and we’ll tell you who got booted off Dancing With the Stars—right after these messages.” I may be exaggerating. Every once in a while we do get BREAKING NEWS, which consists of twenty minutes with the Skywitless News chopper following some idiot driving on the freeway with 6 police cars following him. Now that I get the newspaper again, I can use the extra half-hour of sleep.
October 12 This is really two letters. I had a little problem with my new Milwaukee router (I've been told I have to point out it's a woodworking tool, not a computer thing. I don't even know if I have a router in my computer.) and I wanted to let the company know about my experience. But Milwaukee Tools allows their customers only 250 characters. I can't even tell you what day it is in 250 characters, so I just sent them the last paragraph. Lucky you, you get the whole story: Hello, Milwaukee. I’m hoping the story will be over by the time you get around to reading this, but still I thought it might be worth a comment. I bought a Milwaukee 5625 router from Amazon.com what seems like eons ago. It came without a collet, so I had to order one separately. And I needed a new insert for my router table. So it was a while before I turned it on for the first time. Or tried. It went “GRONK!” for a second and shut down. I had long since discarded the packaging and paperwork, so I couldn’t return it. I took it to a nearby authorized Milwaukee service center, Tools-R-Us. It went “gronk” for them, too, so they took it along with my receipt from Amazon and said they would take care of it. That was, let’s see, a month ago. When I called a few days later they told me they had determined what was wrong and it was definitely a manufacturing defect—no surprise, since the thing had never run—but that it would take 4 to 6 weeks because Milwaukee was very slow about approving warranty repairs. The next time I called, I was told that you had approved the repair but it would be 4-6 weeks because they had to get the approval in writing and then order the parts, get approval for that, and wait for you to send them. The next time I called, they had the parts and had in fact completed the repair, but could not release the tool because Milwaukee had not yet approved the warranty. Yes, that’s what I said. That’s what they said. Apparently the person who approves warranty repairs was out because of a death in the family. My condolences, sincerely. But is there no one in all of the company that can do the job in her absence? I wanted to call your Customer Service department to check for myself. Tools-R-Us told me they didn’t have any identifying number, but you would have it filed under my name. You, of course, told me that was nonsense and I would need the Purchase Order from Tools-R-Us. They continued to insist they had no such thing, but promised to call you themselves the very next day. OK, so maybe two days. Anyway, yesterday T-R-U told me they had received the authorization, everything was done, and I could pick up my router any time. And today I went in. Ignacio went in the back room, came back out empty-handed, fooled around on the computer a little and said “Uh, Mr. Grossman…” in a tone that told me his next words would be “I’m very sorry but….” Approval is in hand. The router is not in fact repaired, but rather in a box in back of the store. In pieces, along with the parts that no one had thought to put together. They have promised me it will be done today, Friday, and they will send it to me by Monday. Maybe that will happen. I hope so. But if experience means anything, Monday they will tell me they shipped it to me last August. So Monday came and just about went. Toward the end of the afternoon, I called and a new service tech answered (they must have caller ID, and the new guy gets me), He looked me up on the computer and found nothing under Mike Grossman. “Could it be under Michael?” “Possibly. How many Grossman routers do you have?” “A lot.” “That’s because YOU DON’T GIVE THEM BACK!” Eventually the computer told him it was done, shipped, and out of his building. He added “thank God,” but quietly, so I wouldn’t hear. Another search turned up no tracking number, so now I don’t have it, they don’t have it, and there is no way to find it. Now, two days later, I have it. It’s mounted in my table and it works. I bought it because of the clever tabletop hole that allows one to adjust the depth of cut from above. It’s a great feature and works nearly as well as a $300 aftermarket lift. Well, except that you have to go underneath to unlock it first, but hey, let’s not pick nits here. But it’s clear that, despite this provision for us table-mounted router users, you have never used this thing in a router table. If you had, you might have noticed that you can’t change bits without removing the machine from the table. I don’t mind that it takes two wrenches, when sensible manufacturers have long since solved that problem. It’s theoretically possible to change bits with 1/2” shanks, if you position the tool precisely so you can get both wrenches in place. But if you are using 1/4” shanks, the instant you loosen the collet, the bit disappears into the machine and you have to demount the router and turn it upside down (that’s right side up to you hand-held router folks) in order to dump out the bit. So far I’ve wrecked two bits this way. What were you thinking? YOU CAN’T CHANGE BITS WITHOUT TAKING THE DAMN THING OUT OF THE TABLE!
October 8: Isn’t it wonderful? These are the wonder years: I wonder where my glasses are? I wonder if I took my blood pressure pill? I wonder what that license plate, “1der yrz,” means? I wonder who would pay 30 bucks for a bottle of pills called “TestoJack 100” even if it contained testosterone, which is doesn’t. The manufacturer claims it “supports healthy testosterone levels,” which I suppose means if you already have healthy testosterone levels, their product is in favor of it. How about 60 bucks for HGH Up, which has no HGH? Come to think of it, why would anybody buy anything called a “nutriceutical”? I wonder what that means? I suspect it means it is neither nutrient nor pharmaceutical and therefore not subject to regulation by any agency. Trader Joe’s markets something in the granola aisle called “Simply Almonds, Cashews, & Cranberries.” The list of ingredients, in order: oats, sugar, cranberries (cranberries, sugar, glycerine, citric acid, sunflower oil), rice flour, cashews, oat flour, vegetable oil, almonds [at last!], molasses, honey, natural flavor, salt, barley malt syrup. Simply what, again? But I don’t wonder about that. I wonder why there are 777,000 Google references to “Simply Almonds, Cashews, & Cranberries,” including at least one whole page devoted to people calling somebody (besides me) an ass for pointing out that it isn’t what it says. And speaking of advertising, have you seen the commercial for the new Hershey’s Kisses? The one that shows air bubbles being injected into the candy? Without a single word, they make it clear that the product is vastly improved by the addition of air. Or the subtraction of chocolate, but only a curmudgeon would mention that. I wonder what happened to propriety and good taste on the airwaves? You may say there was never such a thing, but in the ‘70s, terms like “toilet paper” and “constipation” were taboo on television. I think the Phillips people invented the term “irregularity” because they couldn’t tell you what Milk of Magnesia was for. OK, even I think that was a little too much decorum, but today I know way more than I want to about vaginal itch, and the promo for the Dr. Oz show asks: “are your pee and poop normal?” Furthermore, if somebody has to do it, I’d rather have my doctor tell me I should call right away if my erection lasts over four hours. I’m all for plain speaking but is it just those of us in our wonder years who think that’s a shtup in the wrong direction?
October 4: Talking to the Times September 25 Where to begin? I thought my vacation hold was supposed to end last Friday (9/23). So did your computer, but the actual delivery person does not speak English and did not get the message: no paper Friday. On Saturday, I spoke to five people (I called three times and was called twice) at the Times before a part of the paper (minus the sports and LATExtra sections) arrived at noon. A half paper Saturday. Now it's Sunday. I called and spoke to Sandy the Supervisor, who was very helpful, explained that part of the problem was the new distribution company (why did you switch to a worse distributor?) but assured me that the flood of complaints you had been getting was beginning to abate. She promised to call the manager of the appropriate department and that the paper would arrive within 90 minutes. Two hours later she said she would try again and promised me a paper within 45 minutes. Then I went out for lunch and came home to find a message from her (presumably left sometime before 1:00, since you folks only work until 1:00 on weekends) assuring me that the delivery was "on the way." It's 2:00 o'clock now, so I guess it’s on the way somewhere else. No paper Sunday. It's too late: I don't want today's paper any more. And if tomorrow's paper doesn't come, my next, and last, call will be to cancel my subscription. If I can't get it, why should I pay for it? Monday came and so did the paper. On Sep 26, 2011, at 4:48 PM, Jones, Debra wrote: Mr. Grossman It’s so good to know that you received your Monday paper today. We apologize for the inconvenience of not receiving your papers. I have credited your account for yesterday’s missed paper and I have forwarded a report to the new distribution company as well as the Times district and zone managers to monitor your service… Feel free to let me know when [sic] they fail to deliver…
Paper came Tuesday and Wednesday, too. We thought we had it licked. Until Thursday:
Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 8:07 AM To: Jones, Debra Subject: Re: Michael Grossman: Los Angeles Times: more delivery problems 10007535766 Is this some kind of practical joke? You managed three days in a row and that's it??? NO PAPER AGAIN TODAY. An urgent replacement request and service correction follow up has been dispatched… Before I got this reply, I also called and used the automated system, because when I tried to speak to a human, I got the message that “we are unable to take your call at this time….” So I called again when the paper failed to arrive in another hour, got another supervisor (Sandy works weekends, so she gets Wednesday and Thursday off) who promised to call the district manager. The promised forty-five minutes stretched to ninety, but To: Jones, Debra Subject: Re: Michael Grossman: Los Angeles Times: more delivery problems 10007535766 11:24 AM: Somebody just brought it to the door. He says he doesn't understand it.... Thank you for the update will forward carrier comments to the manager… I will be out of the office on my regular off days so “if” there is an issue for Friday please call 800-528-4637 and enter our extension 73464 for assistance. Hi again. Here it is, Friday. And here it isn't, my paper. As requested I called Sandy but she couldn't answer my only question: what is the number for the San Gabriel Valley Tribune? I've been a Times subscriber longer than you have been breathing, but I'm done. You may have saved a bundle switching to the low-bid distributor, but in the long run it will prove to be yet another misstep on the steep downhill path of the Los Angeles Times. Sandy apologized, of course, and said she would take care of the cancellation. She promised a refund for the missed papers and the rest of the year. The post office knows where I live, so maybe the check will find its way here. But I'm not holding my breath. Follow-up: a week later they came back begging, with a better offer and a promise to deliver right to our porch instead of the driveway. They start Sunday. No refund check yet, though. Follow-up to follow-up: Thursday (the one before Sunday, not after) we got a paper--on our driveway. Who knows what tomorrow will bring… Follow-up to follow-up's follow-up: I do. I got hold of Sandy (remember Sandy?) just to pass the time of day. She noted that we had resumed, although her computer says we don't start until Monday. She also noted that there was a memo allegedly sent to the distributor in all caps: "MUST BE DELIVERED ON PORCH." Maybe that's what starts on Monday? Sandy also noted that the better offer we got was in fact 86 cents more per week than we had been paying. She's going to try to get us back to our old rate. Good luck, Sandy. Friday: paper on the porch! Sandy called later in the morning to say she had talked to the distributor who had just realized he wasn’t supposed to deliver until Monday (or Sunday) and thought I might be mad. On Saturday the distributor himself left us a message and when we returned his call, it seems he just wanted to confirm that we got our paper OK and that we didn’t want two. I told him one was fine. I’m saving the phone number….
The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect--well, yes, come to think of it, I guess they do.
all materials on this site ©michael grossman. all rights reserved. |
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