2009, SEPTEMBER

September 28: More headscratchers.

The trouble with thinking about these things ahead of time is not being able to remember what I already said. (My research indicates that I said that before, on February 14, 2009: “You know you’re old when…”) Or not being able to find what I already said. I think I need an index.

Anyway, I believe I mentioned somewhere that Papa John had a special (When did “special” become a noun, anyway?) on a pizza “30% bigger than our regular large.” Regular large??? It got me scratching my head again. What other bizarre notions are out there that we see every day but never notice?

On your way into Ralphs supermarket (no, it doesn’t have an apostrophe: the grocery was opened by George A. Ralphs in 1870-something), where there used to be a little car on springs for the kids to bounce around in (for a dime), there is now a big apple with a worm in it. For the kids to ride (for a quarter). When did kids start riding apples? Stater Brothers has a little backhoe, which I suppose makes more sense.

And when you get into the market, there’s a machine that collects your coins and gives you (less a substantial fee) dollars back. It has a big sign on it: “Turn your coins into cash!” What were they before? And of course it doesn’t give you back actual cash, but rather a chit you have to take to the cashier.

My local store sells “Large” brand AAA batteries. Are they bigger than regular large? No, and they're not bigger than regular AAA's, either. They’re the same size as all the other AAA batteries: small.

Why is “tall” small at Starbuck’s? If you want large, you have to order “venti,” which ought to mean “windy,” as in “ventilate.” Not a bad term for one of those frothy drinks, but it’s apparently derived from a different venti, meaning twenty. I checked: it actually is 20 ounces. Unless it’s iced, in which case a venti is twenty-four ounces. Who can drink that much coffee? More Starbuck’s news: they announced that as a cost-cutting move they will not brew decaf after noon unlessd you order it. You can still get it if you want, but you will have to wait for them to make it. They say the much lower demand for decaf in the afternoon results in too much waste. It seems to me people would want the caffeine in the morning, and cut it out later in the day, but apparently not. Why is this?

Starbuck’s also announced they are shedding another 5000 employees. And a bunch of stores. That may conceivably save them even more than not making too much decaf.

What the heck is “pre-approval”? Are you approved or not? You can be pre-approved for a credit card or a home loan, and probably lots of other things. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, of course. I guess it means you are approved to ask for it.

An ad I heard the other day is either a sign of the times or another case of Unclear on the Concept: “How to get the money you need at a price you can afford.”

“Do not use if package has been opened.” Then how?

Jeanine drinks something called “Simply Orange—with Mango.”

And finally, curved space. It’s a concept I can’t get my head around. Around which I can’t get my head. Doesn’t a curve require a flat plane to deviate from? If three-dimensional space is curved, wouldn’t it have to deviate into a fourth spatial dimension? Maybe in a space like that it wouldn’t be so hard to get your head around something….

September 24: Cruel and Unusual.

Just about every municipality has an ordinance prohibiting noise pollution; disturbing the peace is one of the first things local governments attack. It’s a law that is ignored oftener than not: if your party is too loud, the cops might come and tell you to tone it down, but nothing more.

But in Lupton, Colorado, there’s a judge who takes it seriously. Kids who cruise his town with their car stereos blasting pay, and pay big. Judge Sacco sentences them to an hour of Barry Manilow. Sometimes he throws in a little Beethoven, just to expose them to real music, but mostly it’s punishment: the Barney song, Boy George, and Manilow. He says the recidivism rate is about 5%--better than when the scofflaws got off with a fine.

I love it. It got me wondering what it would be like to adopt his method to other crimes.

Litterbugs have been sentenced to picking up trash since even before Alice’s Restaurant. I don’t know if that’s effective or not, but I favor the approach suggested on a public service ad that was aired a while back: somebody should show up at the miscreants door and start dumping trash in his living room. A day in the town dump—sorry, landfill—might also be instructive but landfills are getting harder to find. We used to have two around here, but one closed and the other, fittingly on Aroma Drive, is now a housing development (they changed the name of the street).

Jaywalkers would have to stand at the corner and press the button for an hour, but when the “Walk” sign came on, it would only stay lit for 3 seconds. (Sometimes I think they have it set up that way for all of us…)

There seems to be no effective way to deter taggers nowadays. Maybe they should be sentenced to an hour in a Thomas Kincade Gallery. You might think a modern art museum (like Beethoven instead of Barry Manilow) would be better, but it’s supposed to be punishment, after all. Besides, much of what’s in today’s modern art museums is indistinguishable from what the taggers put on public walls.

September 21

I’ve been hearing a fair amount lately about a form of solar power generation that uses a bunch of mirrors focused on a tower in the middle of the field to boil water, which makes steam to drive a turbine to generate electricity. That has to be the least efficient way to make electricity anybody ever devised. Photovoltaic cells are, at best, 40% efficient but that’s got to be better than trying to boil water with mirrors.

And what happens if (when) the mirrors get dirty? The only operational solar tower energy facility in the U.S. just went online in Lancaster. Ever been to Lancaster? It’s the dust capital of California. In the thirties people from Oklahoma stopped in Lancaster because it was just like home. ESolar, Inc.’s new plant will need an army of guys whose fill-time job is to walk around with bottles of Windex, polishing the mirrors. If they used the same energy pedaling stationary bikes, they could generate more electrical power than the mirrors do at the Rube Goldberg Solar Generating Station. But what do I know?

September 15: All the thesaurus I need.

I wasn’t quite sure how to describe my memoir-in-progress on my first year learning the guitar, so I’ve been studying up. In case you ever need one of these, here are some definitions:

Diatribe: a bitter or abusive denunciation.

Harangue: long, loud, forceful, critical speech. Emphasis on long.

Jeremiad: a long, mournful complaint or list of woes. From Old Testament’s Lamentations of Jeremiah.

Obloquy: a malicious attack, or state of disgrace resulting from public abuse.

Philippic: a bitter verbal attack or denunciation. From Demosthenes’ oratory denouncing Philip of Macedonia.

Rant: a loud, bombastic declamation expressed with strong emotion.

Screed: a long, monotonous speech or writing often, but not necessarily, ranting.

Tirade: a long, angry speech, usually denouncing something.

You may wish to apply a different term than the one I’ve chosen, but you will have to wait and see. The year isn't up for another four months.

September 7: A little of this and that from my favorite source...

Obama has bumped into the law of unintended consequences as Congress debates a variety of health care bills. They have stopped calling it “health care reform” in favor of the term “health insurance reform” and any of the proposals currently under consideration will produce as its major effect a bonanza for insurance companies. At the expense of….

I see that the president has also approved the creation of an “elite team of interrogators” to question key suspected terrorists. Rather than leaving this in the sullied hands of the CIA, he has the new High Value Detainee Interrogation Unit reporting directly to the White House. Wait a minute—wasn’t that the problem with the last administration?

Closer to home, we have saved the state from bankruptcy by slashing the prison budget which will make conditions worse, of course. It will also cost the state a bundle in federal funds because we no longer meet national guidelines. It’s not clear whether the loss will exceed the savings…. Meanwhile, the prisoners rioted in Chino the other day and set the place on fire. No one killed, this time, but 250 injured. And now they will have to find another place to put the inmates.

California’s schools, currently among the top 50 in the nation, slashed funding for education again. They may have to make a whole new category. I heard there is a loophole in Prop 13, the Reagan-era prohibition on raising property taxes, that allows schools or school districts to impose a new local tax if the funding is “inadequate.” I don’t know if this is true—I rather doubt it, although I heard it from our waitress at Cask & Cleaver last night and I guess she ought to know: she’s a teacher….

Even closer to home, in another revenue-generating move, local police have begun selling guns.

I guess I’m going to have to give up ranting about politics. It’s become an area impossible to lampoon.

September 4

Announcing the winner of the Name That Mule contest! (See August 27)

I know I said the voting was open until September 5th, but what the hell. You weren’t going to vote anyway, so what do you care?

The overwhelming favorite, based on the number of entries received, is “Who gives a fuck, jackass?” Jeanine feels that misses the spirit of the thing, but I think it’s pretty appropriate. Be that as it may, the race announcer could never manage it (“Rounding the far turn, it’s Neuter Newt by a neck, followed by Maybe Baby, and Who Gives a Fuck, Jackass?”) and for that reason I must reluctantly disqualify the entry.

Among the remaining suggestions, the panel of judges (me) has selected Bent Double as the Grand Prize winner. Congratulations to me, who submitted the winning entry. Which is a good thing, because now I don’t have to come up with a prize.

September 2

And now a word from our sponsor. Oreos. I love Oreos. If I were a completely objective judge, I would agree that they couldn’t hold a candled egg to Jeanine’s chocolate chip cookies, which are the second best thing you can put in your mouth, but I’m not; there is a soft spot in my stomach for Oreos, the cookie of cookies, the cookie of my youth.

If the marketplace is any measure, and it clearly is, I am not the only one with an Oreo fixation. But I may be the only Oreomaniac who doesn’t eat them. Since I gave up carbs six years ago, I have averaged one oreo a year—last year I spotted a snack pack of 6 cookies and succumbed. And in case you wondered, Oreos and Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch are the only two things I know that, after long deprivation, taste as good as I remembered.

Back when I could still eat cookies, Nabisco came out with something called Oreo Double Stuff, which has twice as much of the white filling as the normal Oreo. It was a mistake, and they should have just taken them off the market and stuck to the real thing.

But no. Today I discovered just how far afield Nabisco has gone: Oreo isn't a cookie any more, it's an industry. While wandering around the supermarket waiting for Jeanine to finish loading up the cart, I stopped to visit my old friends. There they were, kings of the cookie aisle, my Oreos. They still have Double Stuff, too. And Golden Oreos and Golden Chocolate Oreos. Oreo Fudge Rings, Cool Mint Oreos, Mini-Oreos, and Oreo Snack Cakes. And Cakesters. And Mini-Cakesters and Golden Mini-Cakesters. Oreo Fun Stix, whatever they are. Low-fat Oreos. Sugar-free Oreos.

No low-carb Oreos.

I wouldn’t eat ‘em anyway. Sometimes you should just leave well enough alone.

The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect--well, yes, come to think of it, I guess they do.

all materials on this site ©michael grossman. all rights reserved.

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