2009 JULY

July 28

I’ve been listening to a lot of paeans to Walter Cronkite in the last few days. They all follow more or less the same theme: he was the end of an era in broadcast news. We all long for the newsman who embodies trust, ethics, reliability, and unbiased reporting.

All of the memorials seem to dance around the point without quite getting it. The implication in these elegies is that Cronkite was somehow responsible for the golden age of network news. The fact is that Cronkite didn’t make the era, the era made Cronkite. He wasn’t the only one; there was Eric Sevareid, and Murrow before them. There was Douglas Edwards, there were Huntley and Brinkley. Cronkite was great, but that greatness was recognized because it was a time when the news was serious, factual, and non-political. The news mattered.

Today the news has become a network profit center (or at least a would-be profit center). It’s easy-to-swallow entertainment and plenty of advertising. News anchors are all blow-dried clones whose job is to advance someone’s agenda, often that of the network itself. Walter Cronkite probably couldn’t get a job on CBS today, and he certainly would never have reported as news the upcoming season’s schedule of reality shows.

Commentators say we will wait in vain for “the new Cronkite,” and I agree that we may never see his like again. Not because there will never be another person with Cronkite’s sincerity, involvement, and gravitas but because today’s network news would turn the new Cronkite into Katie Couric and send him/her out to L.A. to cover Michael Jackson's funeral.

July 25

Guess what this is:

Water, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, corn syrup solids, sodium caseinate, dipotassium phosphate, sugar, mono- and diglycerides, sodium stearoyl lactate, soy lecithin, artificial colors, artificial flavors.

OK, not a fair challenge. It could be anything. It has sugar and corn syrup and flavors, so you might have guessed it is something intended to be swallowed. But beyond that there aren’t many clues. It might help if I told you that one of the ingredients is seriously misleading: the artificial colors make the product white. Another hint? “Needs no chill.”

When I was a kid, my dad put cream in his coffee. By the time I was old enough to drink coffee myself, I used something called “half-and-half.” Nowadays my wife buys milk for the coffee. But if you get your coffee at Denny’s, it comes with a little tub of what they call “creamer,” which is completely unrelated to cream and resembles the real thing in the same way as “chocolatey” chips in cookies resemble actual chocolate.

I say if it “needs no chill” and has no expiration date, don’t put it in your mouth.

July 22

I don’t know if those of you living in other states get the latest reports on California’s budget, but it seems to me that daily episodes ought to be published, right between Peanuts (a comic strip by a dead guy) and Rex Morgan, M.D. (ditto). In case your newspaper has fallen down on the job, or has collapsed altogether, you can rely on me for periodic updates.

Facing the unthinkable—postponement of summer recess—legislative “leaders” announced that they had reached agreement on a budget.

Before the sun set, Los Angeles County announced its intention to sue the state, Service Employees International Union began mailing out strike authorization ballots, and Republican legislators threatened to back out of the deal when they discovered that there was a provision to reduce the prison population by 27,000 inmates. Lacking legal representation, students, the elderly, and the poor and disabled have not responded.

The county is pissed about the half-bil or so they will lose when California eliminates $4.7 billion of the deficit by declaring it the local governments’ problem, not the state’s. This is known as the “it’s not my duck” fiscal policy.

State employees are pissed because they will be continued on “furlough.” They take a 14% pay cut but, what the hell, at least they get the extra time off.

The prison plan is particularly ingenious. It involves a three-pronged pitchfork: decreasing the number of convicts by reducing the number of trials (and by laying off some of those expensive prosecutors, so the remaining overworked and underexperienced attorneys will lose more often); releasing prisoners early and telling them to stay home and polish their ankle bracelets (and if they fail to comply, the cops will track them down and, um, throw them in jail); and my personal favorite, throwing everybody with a sniffle in the hospital. It seems that hospitalized prisoners are paid for by MediCal which, despite its name, is part of the federal budget.

There are other interesting provisions in the latest plan, including allowing (for a large fee) drilling off Santa Barbara after all. I don’t have the latest information, but I understand that the plan to sell off the state parks has been scuttled. Although it seems to me that the state owns a lot of valuable property (even in today’s real estate market) and they could generate a lot of money by selling it off to developers and then reclaiming it under eminent domain. Assuming they could find developers with money these days. It seems a bit underhanded, but our very own U.S. Supreme Court has already declared this legal and proper.

Much of the closure of the deficit is still based on fantasy and illusion, known in Sacramento as assumptions, projections, and “accounting adjustments.” And known in Los Angeles County as a Ponzi scheme. The problem is not that the legislature has to pass it, but that Wall Street has to approve it as well. Wall Street has famously approved Ponzi schemes before, but if investors don’t buy the assumptions of increasing revenues and decreasing payouts by putting them off until next year (where have I heard that before?), the Governor is going too long (another of those telling typos; that was supposed to say "to long") for the days—yesterday—when our credit rating was (barely) above junk status. That, my friends, is known as undeclared bankruptcy.

July 17

I always thought it would be cool to work for a think tank. At least I think the idea is cool: a think tank. It conjures up all sorts of images: I imagine a bunch of guys in a big armored half-track clanking down the middle of the road and firing ideas into the village….

Except most think tanks don’t go down the middle of the road—they often seem to have their own political or philosophical bias. There are “liberal” think tanks, like Rand Corp. and the Brookings Institution and “conservative” think tanks like the Heritage Foundation. I think most people who think would find it objectionable to work in a think tank where they told you what to think, but maybe the thinkers think first and then gravitate to like-minded groups. I think.

I suppose they don’t let you think about any old thing, so even if they don’t tell you what to think, they must tell you what to think about. I guess the best deal would not be to work for a think tank, but to have your own. Come to think of it, I already do. But maybe it needs to be more than one guy to qualify.

If I were going to start my own, I’d call it They. After all, “They” are the authoritative source of pretty much all information. Or so they say.

July 14

I have to reprint the letter to American Stock Transfer, originally posted July 5. Turns out the story wasn't over:

Michael Karfunkel, President and Chairman

American Stock Transfer and Trust Company

6201 15th Ave.

Brooklyn, NY 11219

Dear Mr Karfunkel:

Back when the shareholders’ meetings of Hirsch Electronics were held in Steve Hirsch’s garage, I bought a few shares of Hirsch stock. Over the next twenty-five years my penny stock grew in value to tuppence, and now Hirsch has been eaten by another company, SCM Microsystems.

Hirsch shareholders were instructed to send you their certificates in return for cash, warrants, and shares in the new company. The more I hear about computer fraud, computer error, computer hacking, and computer failure the more faith I have in hard copy. Accordingly, and as instructed, I wrote on my Letter of Transmittal a request for an actual, physical certificate rather than a “book entry” in your electronic system.

Weeks later, having heard nothing, I telephoned your office and was told that my papers had been received, but I would have to request an actual paper certificate. Fortunately, Omar said I could do it over the phone, and I did. The cash? Omar said the check would be issued soon and sent separately.

Weeks later, having heard nothing, I telephoned again. Omar said the certificate had been authorized and would be sent “soon.” The cash? Omar said the check had been printed and would be sent “tomorrow.”

Less than a week later, Omar called me. It seems the certificate had been sent, but in error. Evidently it was supposed to be restricted (to keep all of us Hirsch people from dumping it on the market at once) but it wasn’t so marked. So as soon as I got it, I was to return it. Certified. And if I submitted a request for reimbursement (Having already spent the money for certified mail twice, I was disinclined to do it again to correct your error), my request would be “sent to the appropriate department for consideration.” The cash? Believe it or not, I got the check. The warrants? Oh, well, it seems if I want another piece of paper, I have to submit another, separate request. On paper.

I did get the stock certificate and sent it back. Regular mail. Weeks later, having heard nothing, I telephoned (I have you on speed dial now) and was informed that I had not sent you anything, but the correct, restricted certificate was sent to me nine days before I claimed to have sent back the original. When I pointed out that that was highly unlikely, Jim (Omar has thrown in the towel and gone looking for honest work) conceded that, according to your records you received “something” from me a week ago which was sent to your “investigative” department. He assured me that someone from that department would call me today. Or yesterday, as I like to call it. Oh, wait—that would be last week.

The next Monday I called AST&T. Rita told me that when they say they will call back “today” it means 24-72 hours. And they weren’t working on Friday (or Saturday or Sunday), so that didn’t count. Therefore, they are still within their parameters. They will call me back.

The next day, Patricia did indeed call to tell me the original certificate was fine, it just needed confirmation from the company before being sent out. They will return it to me immediately. Unfortunately, the person who handles that is out today, so she will call me back tomorrow to confirm.

She didn’t. But you knew that. I guess her 72 hours were reset when she called to say she would call. I called the next day and Tom said Ed, who handles “research” was gone for the day and had not left a note. Next I got Alex, the supervisor, who said Ed had left a note (Alex is using a different system and is able to access Ed’s secret notes) today saying the certificate had been received and sent to the Reorganization Department. They, of course, had all gone for the day, but Alex promised to talk to Ed and/or the R.D. first thing in the morning and call me back. Maybe he would have, but at 10:30 (your time) impatience got the better of me. I reached Necema, who actually transferred me to Ed. Evidently somebody had spoken to him because the first words out of Ed’s mouth were “I spoke to Reorg and they assured me that certificate is going out today.” We’ll see.

Have you ever looked at the information on your company website? “Our clients will never be passed from person to person when trying to resolve a question or issue.” I have now spoken to Omar, Jim, Rita, Patricia, Tom, Alex, Nacema, and finally Ed. I say “finally” with some reservations, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Perhaps now you can understand my concern over your book entry system. Perhaps you can see why I would like to have a stock certificate in my hand. And perhaps you, and particularly your Investigative/Reorganization Department, will find the following instructions helpful:

1. Sit down on a chair.

2. Insert both hands, palms up, between the horizontal portion of the chair and your body where it contacts the chair.

3. Wiggle your fingers and note the sensation in your fingertips.

You may wish to retain these directions for reference for the next time you need to find your butt with both hands.

P.S.: I am pleased to report that the certificate arrived a week later (regular mail), complete with the appropriate endorsement on the back, a notice in red on the front to look at the back, and large coffee stains on both sides.

July 11

A few words about our California state bbbudget. That’s not me stuttering, it’s the current credit rating of our state, the lowest in the land. We finally beat Mississippi in something! Our stalwart legislators on both sides have refused to budge (no relation to “budget”) as a matter of principle. I think it’s wonderful that they have the courage of their convictions, but for most, regrettably, they were not felony convictions. But once again, we have entered the fiscal year without any idea of where the money is going or where it’s supposed to come from.

The state has stopped paying its bills, instead issuing IOUs to its creditors and employees and anybody still owed a tax refund from last year. Good luck with that; most banks won’t take them, and none will by the middle of July. There was a potential for a whole new business in buying and selling California IOUs at a discount, but the SEC has now declared that they are “securities” and only licensed stockbrokers will be allowed to trade them. All things considered, I’d call it an interesting use of the word “security,” but I guess they are using it in the sense of “mortgage-backed securities.”

If you or I had debts exceeding our assets by $26 billion, we’d have been dragged into bankruptcy court long ago. The state is bankrupt, but it just hasn’t noticed yet. It’s only a matter of time, though: the federal government, not exactly rolling in dough itself these days, has made it clear that California is no AIG and we’ll have to work this out ourselves. Arnold thinks we’re better off than the feds, but I’m taking anything he says with an ocean of salt.

Once the state has discharged its debts by admitting it can’t pay them—so much for those lovely tax-free muni bonds in your portfolio—maybe somebody will finally introduce a ballot initiative to overturn the law requiring a two-thirds majority to pass a budget or raise taxes. That’s an initiative that will pass by a four-fifths majority, I think. We—those of us who still live here—are sick of this nonsense year after year.

July 8

Ringling Brothers came to town yesterday and there was a parade of elephants down the street. Nobody paid much attention, though; I guess everybody thought it was just part of the Michael Jackson memorial. God, I hope that’s over.

July 6

So, didja hear the one about the autistic Marine?

Oh, sorry, did you think that was a joke? Not unless the Times made it up; he did manage to get through basic training but he’s currently in the brig awaiting court martial for desertion, plus a little thing about child pornography. His recruiter is also being investigated. His grandmother, who is his legal guardian, disputes the Marines' authority since she never signed his papers and he's not legally competent, but the military judge doesn’t see it that way.

The Marines are looking for a few good men. Still looking…

July 5

See entry for July 14

July 1

I’ve adapted a couple of words from the other day to the Laxicon:

EXTRAINEOUS: We had an unusually wet April this year.

PRESCIPITOUS: able to predict rain.

And now that we have opened the book, here are a few more choice words:

ALIASS: a body double for a nude scene.

AOLCOHOLISM: internet addiction.

APTERWARD: the riposte you think of in the car on the way home.

BLEAKFAST: runny eggs and dry white toast.

CATHODICISM: an offshoot of Christianity which is practiced almost exclusively by robots, owing largely to the fact that its 1024 commandments pose difficulty for humans, who have enough trouble keeping track of ten. Prominence is accorded some of the lesser-known miracles performed by the savior in the field of geometry, such as the squaring of the circle and the trisection of an angel. Adherents devote spare processing cycles to the study of the Book of Numbers and attempt to calculate the release date of Messiah 2.0. Conversion to Cathodicism is openly referred to as reprogramming.

DENNYBROOK: a fight that breaks out in a restaurant when they raise the prices of the Grand Slam Breakfast.

EXPOUSURE: filing for divorce.

GAGGIS: traditional Scottish cooking.

OK, that’s enough for now. Next time, maybe all Latin.

The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect--well, yes, come to think of it, I guess they do.

all materials on this site ©michael grossman. all rights reserved.

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